When a child experiences the death of someone they know or love, adults may worry about saying the wrong thing. There’s no perfect thing to say. What matters most is being present, listening and giving children space to grieve in their own way.
A few things that can help:
- Be present. Let children know you’re there and willing to listen.
- Listen more than you talk. Give children space to share what they’re thinking or feeling. It’s OK if they don’t want to talk.
- Let feelings be feelings. Sadness, anger, confusion and other emotions are all possible parts of grief. There’s no “right” way to grieve.
- Don’t try to fix it. You don’t need to cheer children up or find the perfect words. Sometimes simply being there is enough.
- Show empathy. Listen without judgment and acknowledge what the child is experiencing.
- Don’t compare grief. Avoid saying you know exactly how they feel or comparing their loss to your own.
- Keep children safe. Strong emotions are normal, but step in if a child may hurt themselves, someone else or property.
- Be patient. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. Children may seem OK one moment and overwhelmed the next.
What to Say Instead
Instead of trying to find the “right” words, try simple, open-ended statements:
Instead of: “I know exactly how you feel.”
Try: “I don’t know exactly what this is like for you. Would you like to tell me about it?”
Instead of: “You need to be strong.”
Try: “It’s OK to have big feelings. I’m here with you.”
Instead of: “At least…”
Try: “What have you been thinking about?”
Instead of: “You must be really angry.”
Try: “How are you feeling?”
Instead of: sharing your own loss to compare experiences
Try: “Tell me more about what this has been like for you.”
Most importantly, just be there.
Children don’t always need adults to have answers. They need to know they’re not alone.
Listen. Be patient. Make space for their feelings. Let them grieve in their own way.
If a child’s grief feels overwhelming or you’re concerned about their safety, reach out to a trusted mental health professional or other support in your community.
Adapted from guidance on supporting grieving children and youth.