Emotions aren’t bad. They’re information. In Episode 4 of Parenting Unfiltered, licensed clinical social worker Nikki Mundahl reminds us that helping kids understand and manage big feelings early sets them up for healthier adulthood. And yes, the strategies she uses in her therapy office work just as well at home (she has three kids — she’s tested them!).
- Episode 1: Healthy Habits for Healthy Minds: Screens, Sleep, and Winter Routines >
- Episode 2: Small Routines, Big Resilience: Real-Life Tools for the Early Years >
- Episode 3: Building Resilience Through Play: Simple, Open-Ended Wins at Home >
- Episode 4: Big Feelings, Sibling Squabbles, and Holiday Survival: Practical Tools from the Therapy Couch >
Start with Validation, Not “You’re Fine”
When emotions run high, the first job is connection, not correction. Nikki’s go-to: name what you see without judgment.
“I notice your fists are clenched. I wonder if you’re feeling mad?”
“This is really hard right now. I’m going to sit with you until it feels smaller.”
Kids feel seen → brains calm down → they can actually hear us.
Age-by-Age Emotional Literacy
Toddlers (2-3 years):
- Play “feeling detective.”
- Point out body clues: “Your face is red and your shoulders are up by your ears — I wonder if that means frustrated?”
- Keep it to four basics: happy, mad, sad, scared.
School-age (6-10 years):
- Ask open questions: “What’s happening in your body right now?” or “What do you think that feeling is trying to tell you?”
- Move into nuanced emotions: disappointed, embarrassed, overwhelmed.
Simple Scripts for Meltdowns Anywhere
At home:
- “Connection before correction.” Sometimes it takes 20 quiet minutes of just being together before a child is ready to move on.
In public (grocery store, holiday party):
- Offer a quick sensory reset: Lifesaver candy, deep “snake breaths,” or “Let’s go find something in the car.”
- Distract and redirect: “Can you help me carry this? Let’s count the red things we see.”
Sibling Conflict = Empathy Bootcamp
Most sibling fights are normal and healthy. Let them try to work it out (as long as it’s safe and respectful). Step in only when needed:
- Slow it down: “Everybody grab a seat. We’re passing the talking stick — each person gets 30 seconds.”
- Name feelings for both: “It sounds like you’re mad because she took your toy, and you’re sad because you were using it first.”
Nikki’s rule: kids are surprisingly resourceful if we give them just a little structure and time.
Holiday Overwhelm Survival Kit
- Pre-game the day: “First we’ll see Grandma, then eat, then presents. Any worries?”
- Meet basic needs first — sleep, protein snack, water.
- Have an exit plan: “If it gets too loud, we can step outside for fresh air.”
- Quick reset moves: short walk, drink of water, squeeze a stress ball in your pocket.
“Feelings are not the enemy. Give the feeling the stage for a minute — otherwise it keeps trying to come back louder.”
Dysregulation vs. Defiance
Yelling “No!”, collapsing on the floor, or refusing to move often isn’t defiance. It’s a nervous system saying “I’m maxed out.” Respond with curiosity, not punishment:
- “It looks like your body is having a really hard time right now.”
- Offer choices: “Do you want space or company? Words or quiet?”
After-School (or After-Holiday) Reset Routine
Skip the screens at first. Try:
- Snack + water (hangry is real)
- 20-30 minutes of quiet solo play: Legos, coloring, puzzles, reading in a cozy corner
- Heavy work: carry the laundry basket, push chairs back to the table, wall push-ups
Nikki’s Favorite Home Tool: “Who’s Driving Your Bus?
Draw a bus (or just use the phrase).
Your child sits in the driver’s seat. Emotions (mad, sad, excited, worried) ride as passengers, but they don’t get to grab the wheel.
When things escalate: “Who’s driving your bus right now? Is it Worry? How do we help you get back in the driver’s seat?”
Works from age 4 to 14 (and honestly, for adults too).
Try Tonight
- Feelings Check-In at dinner: Everyone shares one feeling from the day and one thing that helped.
- Breathing game: Smell the pizza (big inhale), cool the pizza (long exhale).
- Repair practice: If you snapped earlier, circle back: “I’m sorry I raised my voice. I was stressed and I didn’t handle it well. How did that feel for you?”
Big feelings are part of being human. When we stop fearing them and start teaching our kids (and ourselves) how to ride them, everybody wins.
Explore more episodes of Parenting Unfiltered for practical, judgment-free tips you can use today. Watch on YouTube or listen on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and find recaps and handouts on the Parents Lead website. New episodes drop throughout the season, follow and share to support North Dakota families.