When communicating with your child, your messages can be more effective if you take into account what they know and understand at various stages in their development as well as their readiness to learn new information.
Before starting these conversations, click here to learn more about how to deliver that message to your toddler.
While cleaning your home, your child sees a bottle of cleaning solution and reaches for it.
What to Say
In a calm, loving tone, tell your child "No, no, no, that's not good for you. It could give you an "owie". For added effect, you can make a "yucky" face to reinforce the message. You are beginning to teach your child limitations. (When you aren't using cleaning supplies, make sure they are stored in a safe place.)
Your child reaches for an open bottle of beer (cigarette, lighter, etc) that is within their reach.
What to Say
Promptly intercept, remove the item from reach, and tell your child, "No. You can’t touch that it’s not for kids."
You are at a family barbeque and your brother tells your child to grab their cigarettes from the table and bring them to him.
What to Say
Promptly intercept and offer to get them for him explaining that you are trying to teach your child that cigarettes are bad for them so don’t want then handling things that you've said are bad or illegal for children and send a mixed message.
Sources: The Partnership at drugfree.org
Big Feelings & Emotional Regulation
When my toddler is having a meltdown (especially in public):
“You’re having a really big feeling right now. I’m here. We’ll get through this together.”
When my child is crying and I don’t know why:
“Something feels hard, even if we don’t know what yet. I’m right here with you.”
When my toddler is frustrated and throwing things:
“You’re frustrated. Throwing hurts people and things. Let’s put this down and squeeze our hands instead.”
When my toddler can’t calm down:
“Your body feels really fast right now. Let’s slow it down together—breathe with me.”
When my toddler is angry and hitting or kicking:
“I won’t let you hurt me. You’re allowed to be mad, and I’ll help you stay safe.”
Boundaries & Behavior
When my toddler won’t listen:
“I can see you’re busy, and it’s time to listen now. I’ll help you finish and then we’ll move on.”
When my toddler keeps doing something after I’ve said no:
“I know you really want this. My answer is still no, and I’m here to help you stop.”
When my toddler runs away or refuses to come back:
“I need you close so you stay safe. You can walk back or I can carry you—your choice.”
When my toddler is rough with pets or siblings:
“Gentle hands. I won’t let you hurt them. Let me show you how to be gentle.”
When my toddler won’t stop touching things they shouldn’t:
“That’s not for touching. This is—let’s move your hands here.”
Transitions & Daily Routines
When it’s time to leave the playground:
“Leaving is hard. One more slide, then we’re going. I’ll help you.”
When my toddler doesn’t want to get dressed:
“Getting dressed isn’t fun right now. Do you want the blue shirt or the red one?”
When my toddler refuses bedtime:
“Your body is tired, even if your brain wants to play. I’ll stay with you while you settle.”
When my toddler doesn’t want to eat or throws food:
“Looks like you’re done eating. Food stays on the table. We can try again later.”
When my toddler melts down during transitions:
“Changes are hard. First we finish this, then we move on. I’m here.”
Independence & Control
When my toddler wants to do everything themselves:
“You really want to try. I’ll watch and help if you need me.”
When my toddler says ‘NO’ to everything:
“You want control right now. Here are two choices you can pick from.”
When my toddler refuses help:
“I hear you don’t want help. I’ll wait right here if you change your mind.”
When my toddler gets upset when things aren’t perfect:
“It didn’t turn out how you wanted. That’s disappointing. We can try again.”
Social & Emotional Development
When my toddler won’t share:
“Sharing is hard. You’re not ready yet. We’ll practice together.”
When my toddler grabs toys from others:
“That toy isn’t available. Let’s ask or wait for a turn.”
When my toddler is shy or won’t separate:
“New things take time. You can stay close until you feel ready.”
When my toddler is overly clingy:
“You want closeness right now. I’m here—and I’ll come back.”
Safety, Stress & Comfort
When my toddler is scared:
“That scared you. You’re safe, and I’m right here.”
When my toddler is overwhelmed or overstimulated:
“That was a lot for your body. Let’s take a quiet break together.”
When my toddler has a hard time after a busy day:
“Today was big. Your feelings make sense.”
When my toddler seems extra emotional or sensitive:
“Your feelings are strong today. We’ll go slow.”
Gentle Accountability & Repair
After my toddler hurts someone:
“I won’t let you hurt people. Let’s check on them and help make it right.”
When my toddler breaks something:
“That was an accident. Let’s clean it up together.”
When my toddler does something unsafe:
“That’s not safe. I’m stopping you to keep your body safe.”
When I lose my cool and need to repair:
“I got really upset and raised my voice. I’m sorry. I’m still learning too.”