Tips & Tools

For parents, this is a pivotal time in helping kids make positive choices when faced with alcohol and drugs. The average age youth try drugs for the first time is 13. In North Dakota, almost 1 in 5 (19.9%) high school students had their first drink at this age so you should assume that he or she has been offered drugs or alcohol.8 But, you can help your teen stay healthy and drug-free — and beat the negative statistics about drug use among teens.

Young teens may say they don't need your guidance, but they're much more open to it than they'll ever let on. Make sure you talk to them about their choices of friends because alcohol and drug use in teens starts as a social behavior.

Set clear rules and role model good behavior
Make sure your teen knows your rules and the consequences for breaking those rules -- and, most importantly, that you plan to enforce those consequences if the rules are broken.

Research shows that kids are less likely to use tobacco, alcohol and other drugs if their parents have established a pattern of setting clear rules and consequences for breaking those rules; kids who are not regularly monitored by their parents are four times more likely to use drugs.9
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Counteract any negative peer influence with positive parent influence. Reinforce your no-alcohol/no drug use rules/expectations often so your teen clearly understands that drinking and using drugs is not acceptable. Your teen might argue that “everyone is doing it” and not experiencing any harmful effects. Inform your teen that not only is alcohol and drug use illegal for teens but “everyone is NOT doing it” and it is not a value of your family. Emphasize how unpredictable the effects of alcohol and other drugs can be and that drug use is extremely risky, and all it takes is one bad experience to change a life. Discuss local events or stories in the newspaper to reinforce this. It is important that youth at this age hear real-life stories not what might happen to them from using alcohol. At this age, youth are fearless and feel indispensible thinking it “won’t happen to me.” Make your bottom line clear and live your values for your teen to model.

If you use tobacco or alcohol, be mindful of the message you are sending to your children. We may unknowingly be relaying a message that we don’t want. Avoid giving your teen sips of alcohol, asking them to grab you a beer from the fridge, taking your teen with you into a bar or liquor store, or asking them to pass your box of cigarettes. By avoiding these behaviors, you reinforce your message that alcohol and tobacco are not for children and they are dangerous for growing bodies. Take a Closer Look at how you model alcohol use to your children.

*Curfews: Set curfews and enforce them. Weekend curfews generally range from 9 p.m. for a 5th grader to 12:30 a.m. for a senior in high school. Set a curfew according to your child and not according to how late their friends can stay out. The possibility of extending a curfew as a result of earned trust is a great motivator for your teen.
Your teen asks, “Did you do drugs?”

What to Say
Be honest but be careful not to say too much. For example, if your teen asks if you have ever used marijuana, you can say, “I have tried marijuana but back then, we didn’t know how harmful it was. Now we know more about how bad it is and besides marijuana now is different from what it was then…much more potent and dangerous.”

Look here for more tips on how to answer this question


Review and update the rules periodically with your teen.

Review and update house rules and family responsibilities with your teen’s participation (e.g., chores, homework, school and weekend curfews, etc.). Your teen is more likely to follow rules s/he or he has been involved in establishing.

Here are some things to discuss with your teen:
  • Are the rules fair and the consequences appropriate?
  • Should his or her chores be reassigned or limited because of homework load or after-school activities?
  • Should curfews be adjusted?
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Supervise and monitor your child
Provide adequate supervision and monitor your teen's whereabouts.

An important factor in preventing drug use by teens is to supervise them. Although it may be tempting, try not to be too overprotective. Find out what your parenting style is.

Know where your teen is and let them know where you are at all times so they can call on you whenever needed. If at a “friend’s house” you should know the teen and their parents. Set a rule that you be notified about last minute changes to “plans” and ask that your teen text or call you periodically and let you know they arrived safely.
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  • Get to know the parents of your teen’s friends. Share your expectations with them and work together to develop a set of rules about curfews, unsupervised parties, and other social activities. Agree to inform one another if one of you becomes aware of something you’d disapprove.
  • Let your teen know that you are available 24 hours a day to pick them up. Your teen needs to know that s/he can call you when s/he needs to, day or night, and you will do so without probing or criticizing him/ her. Stay up until they get home.
  • Make your home a desired place for your teen and friends to want to be (e.g., equipment for playing movies or games, basketball hoop, healthy snacks, etc.). In doing so, you will encourage your teen and his friends to want to spend time there where you can easily monitor them.
  • Supervise all social activities in your home and try to be home when your teen invites friends over. Establish clear house rules and let their guests know that you will not tolerate alcohol, drugs or violence in your home.

Reduce home access to alcohol and other abusable substances.

In North Dakota, 43.9% of 7-8th graders reported have at least one drink of alcohol one or more day during their life.10 How are they getting it? ND middle-school students reported that their own home is most often a source for access to alcohol.11

There are some simple steps to safeguard your home. Do an environmental scan in your home of all abusable substances: alcohol, inhalants (such as gasoline, correction fluid, permanent markers, etc.), over-the-counter, and prescription drugs. Keep these substances secured and in a safe place at all times. Monitor the alcohol in your home and limit your “stock” so you can easily keep track what you have. Empty and transfer alcohol from coolers and bags following barbeques, league games, tailgating, etc. as soon as you return.

Click here for more information on storing and disposing Rx drugs.
Click here for more information on what you can do to prevent inhalant abuse.

Encourage your teen to be involved in after-school activities.

When possible, arrange for your teen to be involved in after-school activities or something that keeps them busy during unsupervised hours. Encourage your teen to volunteer in the community, join a youth group, or participate in something that interests them such as music, arts, sports, or academic clubs.

Make sure that if your teen is going to be unattended for periods throughout the day that they feel your presence. Give them a schedule and set limits on their behavior by providing a list of chores to accomplish and leaving notes for them around the house (e.g., call me when you get home, don’t forget to take the garbage out, hope you test went okay, I love you, etc.).

Respect your teen’s need for privacy.

As your teen grows, so does their need and desire for privacy. Respecting your teen’s space and belonging is one way to develop openness and trust between the both of you. Although you may be tempted, don’t read their diary or snoop through private items like notebooks, backpacks, drawers. Respect confidentiality and if your teen has confided in you, don’t share those personal things with other family members. Don’t listen in on phone calls or ask probing questions about their personal life (e.g., “Who is Billy? Do you have a crush on him”) unless they initiate the discussion. In doing so, your teen will be more likely to share things with you.

A word of caution: If you notice changes in your teen’s behavior and personality that may be cause for concern, a breach in privacy may be warranted (e.g., searching personal computer, reviewing text messages, etc.).
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Avoiding peer pressure
Brainstorm ways to say “no” in the event peers offer them alcohol or drugs.

Continue to practice ways to say “no” with your teen so they are armed with prepared answers when presented with peer pressure to use alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs. Practice short, direct ways for your teen to respond. For example, “No thanks…I have wrestling tryouts and I wanna make the team” or “No thanks…we’re going to a movie.” You want your teen to avoid lengthy, weak-sounding excuses like, “I don’t think that is a very good idea…” because such responses may invite a debate. Subsequently, your teen’s peers may try to convince them to “go with the flow”. Reassure your teen that the more times s/he says “no” the less likely it is that they will be pressured; friends will know that they cannot influence them and alcohol and drugs aren’t something your teen does.
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Teach your teen to be aware of situations that increase the likelihood of being offered alcohol or drugs.

In addition to practicing ways to say “no” with your teen, teach your teen to recognize and avoid social situations that increase the likelihood they will be offered or pressured to use alcohol or drugs. For example, walking into a house where youth are smoking cigarettes and drinking beer or hearing friends talk about sneaking alcohol from their parents to take to the bowling alley Friday night. Brainstorm possible scenarios and ways your teen can prepare for or avoid these situations without feeling like they will be ostracized for doing so.

Make it easy for your teen to leave a place where substances are being used by discussing in advance how to contact you or another trusted adult in order to get a ride home. Be available to talk about the situation when he or she arrives home.
Your teen is just starting middle school and you know that eventually, he will be offered drugs and alcohol.

What to Say
There are a lot of changes ahead of you in middle school. I know we talked about drinking and drugs when you were younger, but now I think you’ll at least hear about kids who are experimenting, if not find yourself some place where kids are doing stuff that is risky. I just want you to remember that I’m here for you and the best thing you can do is just talk to me about the stuff you hear or see. Don’t think there’s anything I can’t handle or that you can’t talk about with me, okay?
You find out that youth are selling prescription drugs at your teen’s school. Your teen hasn’t mentioned it and you want to get the conversation about it started.

What to Say
Hey, you probably know that parents talk to each other and find things out about what’s going on at school… I heard there are kids selling pills – prescriptions that either they are taking or someone in their family takes. Have you heard about kids doing this?


Talk with your teen about friendship.

Explain to your teen what it means to be a good friend and that true friends protect, look out for another, and have each other’s back. True friends do not ask each other to do things that they know are wrong and will get them in trouble, or things that are harmful. Talk often to your teen about who their friends are and the things they do with their friends. Encourage them to stick to their beliefs and values and look for friends who share those values.
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Spend time with your teen and take an interest in their life
Do things together as a family.

In addition to spending one-on-one time with your child, doing things together as a family is important to foster a sense of connection. Although your child will naturally gravitate to their friends as they grow older, it is important that you invite, but don’t force, your child to participate in planned family activities by making it interesting so that they want to participate. For example, “Hey, I was thinking of doing pizza and movies tonight. Know any good new-releases?” or “I thought we’d play some board games tonight. You’re really good at Trivia Pursuit and I was hoping you’d be my partner.” Ways to encourage quality family time include eating meals together, playing board games or video games like Wii, going to movies, planning family outings like camping or visits to other family, working together on family projects/volunteering, etc. Don’t forget to continue family traditions and rituals that were established when your child was younger.
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Show interest — and discuss — your child's daily ups and downs.

Teens that have good, open communication with their parents are less likely to use alcohol and drugs. Your child needs you to be interested in their life and available to spend private time with them to discuss what your child feels is important in his or her life right now. Your child’s daily dilemmas and experiences, fears about emerging sexuality, appearing different from friends, and going on to high school are “real” problems that deserve your concern and attention. Don’t let your child’s growing independence deceive you into thinking s/he no longer needs you. Encourage conversation with your teen after school by asking specific questions about his day. Instead of general questions like “How was school?” try asking about specifics like “You were worried about your math test this morning…How did it go?” or “How did your friend Josh do at his swim meet yesterday?” Your teen will be pleased that you are interested in and remembered details about their life.

You may not always know what to say but sometimes just listening is the most powerful tool. Teenagers sometimes feel that their parents “don’t understand” or “don’t listen” which can lead to a feeling of disconnection from parents. Good listening involves reflecting back or paraphrasing on what your child has said so they know that you fully heard. Responses like, “It sounds like you are pretty angry at your coach” or “From what you are saying, it sounds like you feel she isn’t being a very good friend to you. Is that right?”

Here are some tips for being a good listener.

As a parent, sometimes you may feel as though your child does not listen to you. It is important that you communicate your needs and feelings to your child in an effective way. A simple suggestion to improve communication between you and your child is to use “I” messages rather than “You” messages (which often create an oppositional situation). For example, instead of saying, “You always leave your dirty dishes on the table. Can’t you pick up after yourself?” say, “When you leave your dishes on the table, I get frustrated because it makes extra work for me when I get home and I’m trying to make dinner.”
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Whole community prevention efforts
Quick facts about North Dakota communities.13

  • 68.4% of ND parents and adults do not think underage drinking is acceptable in their community.
  • 96.6% believe preventing alcohol and other drug use among North Dakota youth is important.
  • 79.3% are concerned about their local community’s substance abuse prevention programming.
  • Majorities believe that alcohol and drug-free youth can best be achieved through a collaborative effort that educates youth themselves (90.3%), parents (89.3%), and the community (88.6%).
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Don't just leave your child's anti-drug education up to her school.

Ask your teen what s/he's learned about drugs in school and then continue with that topic or introduce new topics. A few to consider: the long-term effects that tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs have on the human body; how and why chemical dependence occurs — including the unpredictable nature of dependency and how it varies from person to person; the impact of drug use on society — societal costs of impaired health and loss of productivity; maintaining a healthy lifestyle; positive approaches to stress reduction; or setting realistic short- and long-term goals.

Support local drug prevention efforts in the community.

Help your teen grow up drug-free by working with other parents to expand your influence locally. What can you do? Work with your school and community to establish after-school recreational activities or help establish alcohol and drug-free places to go like a local skateboard park, motor-cross course, basketball courts, swimming pools, outdoor skating rink, etc. to keep youth busy. Support local law enforcement efforts and teach your teen to respect them. Help to establish alcohol- and drug-free social events in the community. Work with your religious community to establish faith-based prevention efforts. Support officials that prioritize substance abuse prevention and are interested in funding programs that provide support for families in your community. When a community works together to create a safe and healthy environment for youth, the message that you want your teen to learn is reinforced and supported.
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Discussions about alcohol and other drugs with your child

Tell your teen about the negative effect alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs have on physical appearance.

Teens are extremely concerned with their physical appearance so will likely avoid anything that detracts from their attractiveness. Therefore, this is an ideal time to talk about how specific drugs can affect appearance in addition to information about major dangers and health problems and social consequences. During discussions, keep in mind that warnings of dire future health problems do not resonate as much as the more immediate consequences of using alcohol and drugs so be sure to mention the more immediate, observable effects caused by various substances. For example, nicotine causes bad breath, stained teeth, brown fingers, smelly hair and clothes, and ruins your skin. Alcohol causes bad breath, vomiting, and slurred speech, impaired judgment, and possibly poisoning. Methamphetamine changes one’s appearance drastically (e.g., ruins hair, skin sores and scabs) and permanently damages your brain and body (rots teeth). You can also use real-life stories from your own negative experience or local news. Tell them about a time you saw a friend or acquaintance get sick or do something they regretted as a result of using alcohol (e.g., “Uncle Joe lost his job as a truck driver because he got a DUI” or “He is lucky he didn’t hurt someone driving drunk…could have been very tragic”).
 
Self-esteem, self-image, and your child
Let your teen in on all the things you find wonderful about them.

Your teen needs to hear a lot of positive comments about their life and who they are as an individual — and not just when s/he makes the basketball team. Let them know that you are proud of them and praise often. Positive reinforcement can go a long way in preventing alcohol and drug use among teens.

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Take steps to enhance your teen’s self-image.

Youth at this age are very concerned with how others seem them. Furthermore, a teen’s self-esteem is closely tied to how attractive they feel. While males are pressured to look a certain way (e.g., strong, muscular build, etc.), girls are often judged more by their appearance. Youth who do not think they fit the “popular culture” norm of slenderness may be at risk and resort to substance use. Whether to mask their feelings of inferiority or taking prescriptions, herbal supplements to lose weight or in the case of boys, steroids, teens feel a great deal of pressure to conform. Discuss cultural stereotypes of beauty with your teen and remind them of previous discussions about media and advertisers targeting one’s vulnerabilities to sell their products.

Click here for more information on media influences.

In addition, help your teen live a healthy lifestyle by ensuring they receive an adequate amount of exercise, provide well-balanced meals, and keep your refrigerator and pantry stocked with appealing alternatives to junk food.

Accept everything about your teen.

One cannot control their sexual orientation any more than they can control their height. In N.D., 14% of 7- 8th graders reported being harassed in 2009 because someone thought they were gay, lesbian, or bisexual.12 Therefore, it is not surprising that Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning (LGBTQ) youth are at an increased risk for substance abuse, depression, and suicide. Discovering one’s sexual orientation can happen as early as 9 or 10 years of age and it is often accompanied by shock, fear, confusion, and shame. These feelings are the result of a teen’s awareness of the social stigma and oppressive attitudes some have toward this population especially in rural communities. For this reason, many will lie or keep it a secret. A supportive, tolerant attitude toward the LGBTQ community will help your teen feel more comfortable in accepting their sexual orientation. Regardless of your stance, your teen needs to know that they are loved and accepted no matter what and that s/he will not be rejected by you.

Click here for some resources and support groups available to help support your teen.
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8 N.D. Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance system, 2009
9 Metzler, Rusby and Biglan. (1999). Community builders for success: monitoring after-school activities. Oregon Research Institute.
10 N.D. Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance system, 2009
11 DeHaan, L. and Boljevac, T. (2009), Alcohol Use Among Rural Middle School Students: Adolescents, Parents, Teachers, and Community Leaders’ Perceptions. Journal of School Health, 79: 58–66.
12 N.D. Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance system, 2009
13 Alcohol and Other Drugs (AOD) in North Dakota: A community readiness survey to gauge perceptions of AOD use (CRS), 2008

Sources: U.S. Department of Education, Growing Up Drug-Free: A Parent’s Guide to Prevention, 1998.; Solter, Aletha (2006). Raising Drug-Free Kids: 100 Tips for Parents. Cambridge, MA: De Capo Press.; The Partnership at drugfree.org.


 
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